"When I wanted to cry / I couldn't cause I / Wasn't allowed / Gomenasai for everything"
((Let's pretend that they didn't spell Gomen nasai wrong and just move on.....))
My name is Hiiragizawa Eriol and I think I might kill myself.
I can see the way you’re looking at me right now. You’re thinking ‘oh great, it’s another emo kid who just wants some attention’. You’re thinking ‘his girlfriend broke up with him and this is all some cheap ploy to get her back’.
I wish you were right.
I actually do have a problem; a big one. Now, you may be asking yourself ‘what problem could possibly be horrible enough to actually contemplate suicide?’ or you may still be thinking ‘stupid emo brat’. I suppose that really depends on the person.
My problem is this: the most important person in my life is terrified of me.
Now you’re probably a little more intrigued, possibly even sympathetic. Don’t be. About the sympathetic part at any rate. It was entirely my fault.
This whole mess began three days ago.
It was the three month anniversary of myself and Li Syaoran. So, as a special surprise for my boyfriend I woke up early to cook him his favorite breakfast; bacon and waffles with vanilla ice cream. I really am a nice guy. I just happen to have done a horrible and completely unforgivable thing.
So, there I was, humming innocently to ‘Butterfly’ while I roasted the bacon. That’s when I felt his thin arms wrap snuggly around my waist. He placed a kiss on my cheek and nuzzled against me in an entirely adorable and endearing way. I love him so much when he lets his guard down.
He’ll never let his guard down around me ever again.
So, my beautiful, innocent koibito was simply nuzzling against me when I began to smell smoke. I assumed that the waffles were about to catch fire, or perhaps the pan of bacon, and I threw him back to protect him. I thought I was protecting him.
I threw him too hard though and his back cracked loudly against the doorframe. He cried out in pain and stared at me with wide, terrified, watery eyes.
“Syaoran-chan?” I had queried quietly, taking a careful step towards him. “I’m sorry. The waffles…”
He had only stared at me with fear, trembling and looking for a chance to escape. I took a step back from the frightened boy and let him.
He’s been skittish around me ever since then. My beautiful, innocent, adorable koibito is afraid of me. I can hardly look at him without him flinching or avoiding my gaze. I cannot touch him without him going tense beneath my fingers. When I kissed him he only whimpered in fear.
The worst part is that he will not say anything out loud about it. He has not yelled at me, slapped me, or brought up the incident in any way. He is simply afraid of me.
Too afraid to even leave.
When I went up to the bathroom to get the pills I could hear him sobbing into his pillow. I took the opportunity to check on him through the doorway. His back was bruised horribly; purples and blacks and green were marring my china doll’s beautiful moon-pale flesh. I winced and ran down the stairs.
That is where I am now. I am laying on the couch in our den, thoughtfully regarding the pills in my hand and contemplating suicide.
I am a horrible person. I hurt my lover so badly that he can no longer meet my eyes. He spends his nights crying and slowly becoming frailer. When I think of him being so vulnerable I want to wrap him up in my arms and sob out all my apologies against the back of his neck.
But I cannot.
It would not be fair to him. He has earned his tears. I hurt him and until I make amends I will not let myself cry. This is my fault and I will fix it.
Even if doing so sends me to my grave.
Track Six - Craving (I only want what I can't have)
"When I left you / I flew / Did you fly too?"
The first time you kissed me was in the alley behind the Paper Lantern at the beginning of our sophomore year.
I had spent the entire evening whining at you about the fact that Layla had dumped me over the summer for Larry of all people. You, in true best friend fashion, indulged me. Dutifully badmouthing Layla at all of the right times and making sure that I knew that someone better would come along and replace the hippie flower-child. I grinned and began telling you about the good times and funny anecdotes that we had collected in our brief year together. You began to go quiet on me and I was afraid I was starting to annoy you. However, you just shook your head at the absurdity of that thought and urged me to continue.
I started complaining then that I wasn’t going to be able to find a date in time for homecoming which was just a few weeks away. You rolled your eyes and reminded me that I was “William Theodore Fucking Stronghold” and that I could have my pick of everyone in the school.
“Even you?” I had jested, not really thinking about it.
You, however paused for a long moment.
Finally shrugging it off you actually gave me a small grin, “Even me.”
“Well, in that case,” I could barely keep from laughing at this point. “You’re my date.”
And that was that. We proceeded to discuss our fight in Save The Citizen today. We had done well but we both agreed that we could have ended it much faster. After all, Freeze Girl was hardly a match for you. Tomorrow, we agreed, we would end it in under two minutes.
From that point on our conversation strayed through school, TV shows, movies, books and even a little bit of gossip. It was such an average, perfect night. Nothing really changed that until the end of your shift. You informed me that we could leave as soon as you had taken out all the trash. I offered to help and you simply rolled your eyes.
Had I been anyone else you would have refused, but hey let’s face it; super-strength is an advantage when you have to deal with massive amounts of garbage bags.
“It’s pretty out tonight.” I had stated, staring up at the stars with awe.
We stood quietly for a moment, simply enjoying the cool night air and the majesty of the sky… or something to that affect at any rate. I’m not really that poetic.
That word from your lips startled me out of my revelry of the majesty of the heavens and the night air so quickly that I nearly choked on my own spit. I could only stare at you in shock. You had never called me by my first name before. Ever. It just wasn’t something you did.
I was curious. It had to be important for you to sound so solemn. You were always the most sober out of all of this… even that one time we all got drunk at Magenta’s house… but you weren’t often solemn.
“I…” You had carefully placed a very warm hand on the side of my neck.
You leant down and inclined your head to place a very soft almost reverent kiss against my lips. It was soft and warm, rather than the intense heat I had expected when you had first touched me; a bonfire as opposed to a raging inferno.
I hate to admit this but it did occur to me to throw you off. You were Warren Peace after all. You weren’t supposed to do this kind of thing. But when I thought about how much you had always indulged me and how easily you had agreed to be my back-up date I couldn’t. You were being far too perfect.
So I kissed you back. I wrapped my arms snuggly around your tiny waist and pulled you close. Your thin body fit against mine just right; better than Layla’s or Gwen’s ever had. You looped your arms loosely around my neck, ever the gentleman, and simply continued kissing me.
We stood there, innocently kissing with only the slightest bit of tongue for the better part of an hour. We only stopped when a sudden cold wind that reminded both of us that summer was well and truly over caused you to shiver and push into me just a little bit more.
We regrettably went back inside and you snapped up your jacket and let out your hair. Just before I left for home you pulled me in for one last, tender kiss that nearly turned my knees to jelly.
When I left you that night I flew. I couldn’t help myself. I don’t think I had ever felt so content with the world in my entire life. I felt like I was on top of the world. And I wondered, when you headed home that night… did you fly too?